Letting One Out

OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!!! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!!!

Letting It Out

I still have my hangups about what happened. Minsan naiisip ko na I must have done something so wrong in the past. But you know, maybe hindi din. Di lang siguro man enough??? I don't think that's even it. it's not about "being whatever person" enough. It's about doing the right and moral thing. That, which you didn't do.

Bahala na lang si Batman sa iyo.

Ouch!

Visuals hurt! Minsan talaga ignorance is bliss...

Out Of Control

Nyquil, waking up in the middle of the night, nightmares, over eating, not eating, spacing out, anxiety attacks, nervous breakdowns = NOT GOOD, NOT WELL.

I have to get my sanity back soon.

Tough Day

I had one today at work. I have to keep telling myself to take it one day at a time. ONE DAY AT AT TIME.

Today I am thankful for:
- ML's help at work

Be Patient

I have to learn to cut myself some slack and learn to BE P-A-T-I-E-N-T!!!

Today I am thankful for:
- it being Wednesday! I thought Monday and Tuesday would never end.

Hilo Na Ako

Minsan hindi ko na alam ano ginagawa ko sa buhay ko!!! I'm not a very patient person when it comes to myself. Somebody conk some sense into me. I h-a-v-e t-o give it time. It'll work out no matter what. I know it! I'm just pressuring myself and being stubborn.

Today I am thankful for:
- flying home for the Holidays. it's still MONTHS away BUT ican'twait! ican'twait! ican'twait!

I Feel Like A Nomad

I hate moving! I hate moving! I hate moving! I'm going to have to do it again by the end of August.

Today I am thankful for:
- seeing a friend from college after soooo, soooo long (bygones be bygones)

Panic Mode

I woke up all panicky & anxious. I don't know for what reason specifically. ARGH. Must be mood swings. They're really a bitch to have.

Today I am thankful for:
- the escape that sleep offers

Blah

I've been feeling blah for the past two days. I must be PMS-ing. UGH! I feel so irritated for no reason at no particular thing and THAT makes it even more annoying. I feel tired and sleepy all the time. I wake up wanting to sleep again. I feel hungry all the time. I get these headaches. I just feel like I'm in a short-term rut right now. It'll pass soon enough I'm sure.

Today I am thankful for:
- finally getting those coconut shrimps done! not bad, not bad!

Snow White

They say it's our first blizzard for the season. I looked out my window this morning and saw so much beauty. Fresh, powdery snow. If you lived in the tropics ALL your life. Seeing snow is a big deal. Hmm... I'm not sure if I'd eat my words give or take a few more years down the road though. Anyway, it still amazes me up to now. There I was just staring, aching to share / blurt out what I see with someone. Serenity. Bliss. I wasn't 'Chinese-named' Snow White for no reason I guess.

I saw one thing that made me crash for a bit. I know I have to 'ready' myself. This will keep happening unless I cut out some people in my life. This I don't want to do. It's stupid and childish. Shake it off. There are other things worth writing about like last Friday. I'll get to that.

Snow fall has eased up by now. It's up to my knee already, maybe more. Let's just play pictionary shall we?!

My Mini Dec '05 vs. Feb '06

Cars Dec '05 vs. Feb '06

My brothers (snow martyrs jr. & sr.)

SNOW SNOW SNOW!!!

Today I am thankful for:

- men's scarves, they're just wider & longer (read:warmer)

- the four seasons, I'm almost there...

Don't Push Me Around

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I'm a crazy ass friendly person. Sometimes I get misunderstood. Don't spite me. I can be really straightforward and bitchy when I have to stand up for myself.

Today I am thankful for:
- my dad's safe flight to oklahoma

I Spoke Too Soon

I was having a bad bout of sadness last night. Blah...blah...blah...BAH!!! I woke up annoyed. I had a good chat with MSS & c.b. (I love you bruhahahas!!!) Jeans I bought ages ago that got tight fit me again. YES! Tra la la. Off I go to work and the weather was pretty good. High 50s again. Windows down. Sun roof open. Music blaring. At work, I see one teeny but glaring sign. I will look into this. It slapped my face. I go shopping for my best friend after I got off. I'd shop til I drop for her if I could. Talked with JE, my best bud & CF. My mood's better. Switched just like that. It's a good thing. I wasn't sinking that much after all. Steady. Steady. Steady.

Today I am thankful for:
- ninja turtle
- chocolate coins YUM

I'm Annoyed

... at myself!!! I should/better/have to get a move on.

ARGH

I think for the first time in my entire existence, I actually want people to hurt. To feel my pain. I am still hurt. I am effing mad. I want to hit something. I want to cut something. I want to tear something to pieces. You get a very vague explanation and you make yourself understand. You were not given a choice or a chance. You were made to understand. Later on, the explanation doesn't justify what's happening. Yeah. It sure as hell doesn't! I want to say something/everything. Explain me for once. But I know now is not the right time. I don't know if there ever will be a right time. It's probably not even right to do at all. F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Okay, I think I'm done venting for now.

Today's Weather = Today's Mood

The weather today was gloomy and cold. Snowy, rainy, slushy. One big mess. The heavens must have understood. They must have felt for me too. The weather was a clear picture of what I felt like. I got hugs from a few people at work. I get a text message and call from one of my oldest friends MS. I get kind advice from c.b., my best bud and my family. I thank them for trying to comfort me. It's true. You can't skip it. I know that now. I really have to go through this.

UGH

People tell me I am strong, that I have a kind heart, that I'm a happy person. Sometimes I know/start thinking I am, sometimes I just don't. Sometimes I just want to say F*ck it all. What an effing year that was. I hate comparing my life to others because I still think I'm one of the most blessed and I immediately feel guilty afterwards. Like what I always say, "To each is his own problems." But then again if you went through what I went through... go through what I still have to go through. UGH. They say when you're at the absolute bottom there is no way but up. WHEN the hell is that??? How do I get over this? How do I continue to move on? How do I block the hurtful information? How do you handle betrayal? How do you not feel hurt? Why do I always, always try to understand? Why do I sometimes think that what happened was my fault when I was going after something important to me? Ganon ganon na lang pala iyon. It's crappy because you know you gave your all and it wasn't matched. Gusto kong manumbat pero hindi ko naman kaya. P*nyeta! Ang sarap manumbat! Gusto ko nang manumbat! I'm so tempted to TELL ALL here. Tell my side of the story. I can't help but want to be mean for once, want people to hurt, want revenge. I just want to SCREAM. It's the 3rd day of the new year and I'm sad. My eyes are hurting and bloodshot. UGH. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like it at all. Hopefully, I'm not back to squat. I hope this time, it'll be quicker.

Relapse

I'm having one right now. Yes, an episode. I know that I won't be able to escape feeling this way once in awhile. I don't want to either. It just gets sickeningly annoying and you spiral down. Sometimes I want to train myself to be mean, to just NOT care, to be cynical... hoping that would shield me from feeling pain and to speed up the healing process. But then, I know I'm not cut out for that. I know I need to go through it no matter how long it takes. One morning I know I will wake up and just know that it's passed. I have so much to be thankful for and so little time to wallow. Mental note! : I need to re-drill that into my colorful brain more often.

... I feel so much better now. Downtown Toronto is waiting for me, myself and I. And oh, Cheers to the end of November!!!

I Am Stupid

Well... at least yesterday. I made a friggin' stupid phone call and it did nothing but make me feel crappy and pathetic. I thought I was doing pretty well the last few weeks but alas, that's all it takes huh? ONE call to make you spiral down again. I want to get better. I really do. I'm probably just being stubborn. What made me make that call? Was it Just Like Heaven??? UGH! Eww! I told j.q. that I can be smart in alot of other things but I'm just stupid in THAT way. Will it ever end????

And my mom blew her top off just now. I feel even crappier. She can be SUCH a pain sometimes over the silliest things.

I'm feeling the need to take retail therapy again!

Zombie

I've been feeling like a zombie the past few days. I'm going through something right now and it's doing this to me. My parents have been amazing about this, they've been very supportive. Tomorrow is my dad's birthday, I should definitely smile for him.

My road test is this Tuesday morning. I better pass or I'll definitely spiral down. If I do fail, it'll be my fault, I haven't been practicing that much and my mind's been elsewhere. I was practicing parallel parking earlier today and ARGH! I barely managed to do it. I need my policeman driving instructor again!!!! I did it with my first try with him. Halos dikit pa sa gutter ha! Something's messing with my brain then. If only painkillers would really kill the pain that matters.

I'm expecting an upcoming hectic work week. We're getting in the new denim fits for women's, there will be bra lounge tour, and several simultaneous promotions. One of which is a free mp3 download just for trying on at least a pair of jeans. I better recharge. Perkiness is a job requirement.

I hope things get better...